If there is one truth I have learned again and again, it is this: you cannot outrun your patterns. You cannot outperform them. And you certainly cannot lead beyond them.

Most of us carry emotional and behavioral loops that formed long before we were old enough to understand them. These patterns shape how we respond to stress, communicate, build trust, and define our worth. They live inside us quietly, until life puts enough pressure on us that something cracks open and the deeper truth is revealed. I have spent years unraveling my own patterns. Some have fueled my success, while others have constrained me in ways I could not see until I was forced to look more honestly.

One of my deepest patterns was the instinct to make everyone around me feel comfortable, especially the men in my life. It showed up as softening my truth, adjusting myself to avoid conflict, and talking myself out of needs that felt too hard to say out loud. Over time, that pattern eroded my voice and my clarity.

It was one of the patterns that contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. As I began walking through my divorce, I had to face the truth that this pattern was not just hurting my relationship; it was hurting me. And it was keeping me from becoming the leader and woman I knew I could be.

The same pattern appeared at work. Even though I am a direct and decisive CEO, I sometimes felt the pull to manage emotions, soften feedback, or frame truth in a way that would land more gently. It was the constant tug between honesty and likability, and that tug was exhausting.

But I have made tremendous progress in unwinding it. Speaking my truth more clearly and consistently has brought me freedom. It is not easy; those old ways tug at you, whispering that it is safer to protect yourself, to avoid risk, to stay small. But when you choose alignment and speak honestly, even when your voice shakes, freedom waits on the other side. I am still a work in progress, but this work has had a profound impact on my life. Understanding my patterns has helped me become more authentic, grounded, and free.

Where Patterns Come From and Why They Hide So Well

Patterns form early in life, when we are young children with a limited understanding of how and why they are forming. They start as protection, ways to stay safe, connected, or noticed, but the strategies that once kept you safe can later hold you back. They operate quietly behind the scenes, guiding your reactions and shaping your decisions without your awareness.

To understand them, you have to turn inward with curiosity rather than criticism and ask yourself:

That is where growth begins.

One of my strongest triggers has always been feeling spoken down to or dismissed. It traces back to childhood, when comments like, “Why did you do that? That was dumb. You’re not smart enough,” left a deep imprint. Triggers are simply the emotional activation of old patterns, real-time reminders of something unresolved.

Even as a confident adult, that old wound could rise instantly. I would tense, defend, or shut down when I felt someone was speaking to me condescendingly. Then, when complaining about being triggered by a condescending comment, a friend said something that changed everything: “This reaction is not about what was said or who said it. This trigger belongs to you. Until you own it, anyone can activate it.”

That truth landed hard, but it set me free. Owning your triggers does not excuse poor behavior from others; it means you stop outsourcing your emotional stability to them. You reclaim choice. And when you take ownership of your triggers, you begin to see the patterns beneath them with clarity and compassion, helping you let go of them and live a happier, less triggered life.

How the Enneagram Helped Me Understand My Patterns

While no model is perfect, the Enneagram has been one of the most transformative tools I have used to understand the deeper motivations behind my patterns. The Enneagram is a personality and self-awareness framework that describes nine ways of seeing the world. What makes it powerful is that it focuses on motivation, not behavior. It helps you understand why you do what you do, which is where transformation truly begins.

I am a Three with a Seven and Two wing. I am wired for achievement, optimism, and connection, but also for people pleasing, over-functioning, image management, and avoiding uncomfortable emotions. The Enneagram helped me stop judging myself and start understanding myself. It revealed the hidden story beneath my behavior, gave me language for my blind spots, and offered a pathway toward more aligned leadership. However, the Enneagram is merely one doorway; pattern recognition is the actual work.

Susan Drumm and the Power of Playlists

This is why my conversation with Susan Drumm, CEO advisor and author of The Leaders Playlist, resonated so deeply. Susan has spent more than twenty years helping leaders understand their patterns and move toward conscious leadership. She blends neuroscience, the Enneagram, and music in a way that is both practical and profound.

Susan teaches that patterns are like eight-lane highways in the brain. You can build new pathways, but only if you engage emotion, repetition, and intention. Music is the perfect catalyst. It activates the emotional centers of the brain, increases neuroplasticity, and facilitates the formation of new patterns more quickly.

She helps leaders identify their “old playlist,” the emotional soundtrack of their limiting beliefs, and choose a pattern interrupt song that wakes them up when they fall into the old loop. Then they build a new playlist tied to the identity they want to embody and practice stepping into that emotional state through movement and repetition.

It is science-based, simple, and deeply human, connecting thought with feeling, awareness with embodiment, and honoring the emotional and intuitive side of leadership that is too often overlooked.

Your Patterns Are Not Your Destiny

Leadership is a deeply personal endeavor: the work of becoming conscious, growing beyond the emotional scripts that have shaped you, and choosing to lead from awareness rather than autopilot. It begins with recognizing your patterns and having the courage to rewrite them.

Owning your triggers is what allows you to understand your patterns. Triggers are doorways into your inner world; they reveal where your healing lies and what still requires your attention. When you own them, you reclaim your power. And when you understand your patterns, you reclaim your freedom.

So, I invite you to ask yourself:

Because when you understand your patterns, you change how you lead. And when you rewrite your inner playlist, you change your life. If this resonated with you, check out the full episode of Reflect Forward with Susan Drumm for more on the Enneagram and how to use playlists to rewire your patterns.

If you would like me to speak to your organization about self-leadership, pattern recognition, or creating an ownership mindset, please reach out to start the conversation.